"He Wants Me Naked When I Fling the Front Door Open" - Roz Warren reviews Ageless Erotica

When I read Roz Warren's review of Ageless Erotica at HumorTimes.com , I laughed so hard that I immediately asked the writer for permission to republish it here. Enjoy! -- Joan



If you want a glimpse into the erotic imaginations of sex writers who’ve been around the block a few times, pick up a copy of Ageless Erotica, a new collection of sex writing by, for, and about seniors.

Joan Price, 69, is on a mission to “talk out loud about senior sex.” She gives lectures. She holds workshops. And she writes books. Better than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty was followed by Naked At Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. And now there’s Ageless Erotica, described as a “steamy assortment of erotic stories and memoir essays written for a mature audience.”

The book collects tales of seniors from all walks of life, gay and straight, vanilla and kinky, taking their clothes off and having a good time. I’ve never found erotica a turn-on, but I still got a kick out of reading it. I even learned a few things. (Masturbation clubs for women? Who knew?)

The stories in Ageless Erotica are a fascinating mix of the sensual, the medical and the humorous. The writing itself is all over the place. Laughingly abysmal. Unabashedly smutty. And, often, oddly moving.

Here’s a sampling of my favorite lines:

“My yoni was a ravenous hollow.”

“In a flash, he was butt-naked except for his socks.”

“I came in places I didn’t know I had.”

“My first blue cock. Would anything else on earth ever feel so good?”

“I played his instrument with my mouth as if it were a flute.”

“You are amazingly well constructed,” he said. “There’s evidence of too much sun on exposed areas, leaving a coarseness to the skin, but,” he added, stroking my ass, “the hidden parts are the silkiest I’ve ever felt.”

“Lifting her breasts away from her chest, he kissed his way down, until he found her sparse, gray pubic hair.”

“A lifetime of hard work let me afford trendy cashmere sweaters.”

“You have such beautiful, manly nipples, sweetheart.”

“I skipped teasing him with the knitted glove and went straight to the surgical one — in my actual size.”

“Filthy incoherence is always a positive sign at that point in our lovemaking.”

“He wants me naked when I fling the front door open.”

“It’s my boyish charm, as I’m told, that hangs around, unlike my hair.”

“I’ve included the inevitable butt plug.”

“A heavy date requires a slow day beforehand and a preparatory nap.”

“Off to the bedroom?” I asked with a wink.

“I clutch the sheets and yell, 'Fuck, oh fuck, yes, yes, yes, do me, oh do me, thank you Sir, oh fuck, fuck, yes, yes, yes!'”

“We were naked before we even washed our vibrators.”

“I couldn’t remember if I had shaved the gray hairs from my lollipop just in case it was going to get licked.”

“Barry took my legs and spread them like a wishbone.”

“Tom Maynard, you’re as hard as a prize salami!”

“You can thank my hormone supplements. They do wonders for this kind of thing.”

"His first question when we met was, 'Do you know how to gut a deer?'”

"He says, 'I’m prepared,' code for the Levitra pill he took a half hour ago.”

“My heart resumed a normal rhythm, all fears of another infarction vanished.”

"His tongue slid around my clit, which I’ve named Ethel, and over it, and too soon, I flooded with warmth."

Intrigued? You can find Ageless Erotica at your local indy bookstore.

If it’s not in stock, just give the salesperson a lascivious wink and ask him to order it for you. And Ethel.

Roz Warren

Roz Warren writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor and The Philadelphia Inquirer. Visit her website.


This review (c) Roz Warren first appeared at HumorTimes.com on March 30, 2013. It is reprinted here with Ms. Warren's permission.


 

Marriage Equality and more: LGBT Seniors

We're all reading and talking about gay marriage / marriage equality this week. I'd like to invite our LGBT Boomers, seniors, and elders to comment here about their lives growing up without acceptance or equality.

In high school, I had a guy friend who, I learned 50 years later, was gay. How much it would have accelerated my own education and evolution if he had felt he could talk to me about that then. But he didn't. Maybe he felt he couldn't. Maybe he thought it was none of my business. Maybe he wasn't sure. He dated girls at that time.

Fifty years later, when we met again, I asked if he was married. He told me nonchalantly that he was in a decades-long relationship with a man. He said he wasn't hiding it -- he just informed people who asked.

At CatalystCon East this month, I attended Terri Clark's session, "The Silver Rainbow: Working with LGBT Seniors." There are more than 1.5 million LGBT older adults in US today, and by 2030, they'll number more than 3 million, Terri told us. She is co-chair of The LGBT Elder Initiative (LGBTEI), which is "committed to assuring that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender older adults have rights and opportunities to live vibrant, creative and mutually supportive lives."

“The LGBT community is very youth-focused," Terri said. "Once you get older, you cease to exist.”

I thought I was well-informed, but this session made my jaw drop, especially when Terri showed a short film from Project Visibility (trailer below). In it, people talked about their need to be closeted growing up. “We always kind of lived a lie,” they said. "That was your life and you’re not able to share it. Your story would be missing."

Even decades later, they lost jobs, family, and their faith community when they came out. One college professor was told, "We don’t have room on the faculty for you any more."

Many LGBT seniors are still closeted today. This makes them afraid to access senior health and legal services that the rest of us take for granted.

Yes, marriage equality is important. But that's not the only chapter in this story. Gay or straight, young or old, religious or not, activist or not, we need to come together, stand up tall, and speak out loud for equality for all of us, in all aspects of our lives.


In the words of one of the interviewees, “It’s who we are. It’s not a moral issue.”